brianbyersdorf

I hate everything about my ways, but you still tell me I’m okay.

please help me find you. please help me hear you. please let me see you. help me to feel you.

today, like many days, i feel that i have lost you, but you have not moved.

help me find you.

“I will follow”

 “You missed the back two” he said at 1 a.m. as I pulled the tooth brush out of his mouth. I was still learning how to thoroughly clean someone else’s teeth. After rinsing his mouth, I stood at the side of his bed and pulled on the sheets to scoot his body towards me. Rolling his shoulder over, I tucked a pillow under his back to support him on his right side. With a pillow between his knees, I positioned his legs in a way I imagined would be comfortable.

This was all new to me.  It was one of my first nights staying at my friend’s house. I would do anything to be there for him. What a privilege it was to be able to serve him in that way, and what amazing things God did in those few months. He was more than a friend – he had grown to be a brother.

As I lay down, I made sure my alarm was set for 5 a.m. – I needed to wake up to rotate him onto his other side every 4 hours. We prayed, and God met us. He comforted, and protected us as we lay and talk about what might be next for the both of us, along with all the hopes and fears and stumbling blocks there would be on the way.

8 a.m. rolled around, and it was time to wake up and be reminded that it all wasn’t a dream – it really happened. The sun had already risen, and the clouds were sharing a little bit of its light with us. His parents came in the room offering fruit for breakfast and asked how last night went. We began the morning routine – and I saw one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

From his computer I started playing a song we had downloaded the night before. His parents and I were around the bed – one supporting his neck, one holding him off the bed, and another fighting his shirt on. He was staring straight to the ceiling, as if looking directly at God and asking Him “do you see this? I don’t understand.” His circumstances forced him to be vulnerable, forced him to be humble, and forced him to rely on things outside of himself. The chorus of the song came through the speakers, and with every ounce of his soul, I watched him sing along.

“I will follow, I will follow, I will follow you…”

Tears spilling from his eyes, as if drawn up from a well in his heart by singing these words. A moment in time that I will never forget – a real, tangible example of what it means to have given your life to Christ, to have sold everything to buy the field, an example of what it truly means to say “You are enough”.

From every part of his body, every part of his mind that God graciously protected, every part of his life, every part of his entire being, past, present, future, EVERYTHING, I could hear him saying “I will follow”. That phrase rang in my ears for weeks – it was one of the most profound and powerful things I had ever seen.  

God, make me more like this. I will follow you, every day. Any where you take me. Anything you take me through. I will follow.

Unsettled

What a place to be, caught somewhere between decisions and outcomes and life. But not stuck without hope or a light at the end of the tunnel.  I begin to look for answers or comfort from things around me, anything to help me settle. My mind races and cannot be quiet despite my constant prayer and attempted focus on Christ.  

Like a rock in my shoe that I want to get rid of, but I forgot how to untie my laces. Like the ticking of a clock that I notice only when things are silent, when trying to fall asleep and I can’t ignore it or forget that I hear it. Like a free ride, when your already late. Like good advice, that I just can’t take… I couldn’t resist.

God, I surrender. Because I trust you. Help me find you, and help me find peace. Keep me unsettled until I find what you have for me, and even then, keep me unsettled if it will draw me closer to you. Comfort, security, consistency, steadiness, relaxation, being settled… all of those things are good, but You are better. Can I have more of you?