brianbyersdorf

holy spirit - embrace me. as i reach for you with nothing else to hold on to. catch me. please. i belong to you. you are my beloved, above all things that i love. sustain me! i don’t know where else to turn, and have no where to look to. i am overwhelmed, help bring clarity to my eyes. you are faithful. show me your face, do not be far from me. may i feel your presence beside me all day.

Prayer: Selfish? Selfless? Shellfish? Shelfdish? Smellfresh? Sellless? Stashless?

This is something that I have been thinking about for the past 6+ months or so. I hope this does not come off as cynical or bitter - it is more a display of thoughts with hopes of probing and addressing the way that we pray and what we pray for.

                        Prayer is frequently used as a last resort.

We are out of options, nowhere else to turn.

We tried everything else.

It couldn’t hurt right?

Praying with hopes that it will cover up our laziness/lack of responsibility

Help me _________(fill in the blank – do well on this test I didn’t study for, not get caught for doing something wrong/illegal, not be hung over, not be responsible for my actions, not be tired after sleeping for 2 hours….) and I’ll believe in you.

Praying to cover up our lack of commitment to Christ

This one is hard and is not my place to judge anyone but myself– these are examples from my own life - let me explain:

I don’t really buy this one – I used to do it all the time. Ultimately it just takes picking it up and reading it. It takes some initiative. Priorities.

- Praying that a ministry would just fall into your hands

Not to say this never happens- but so commonly I see others, and myself, truly desiring to serve God and wanting to do what He asks, but really just waiting for something to fall into our hands. Occasionally this does happen, but sometimes we just have to step out and do something.

                                Only recently have I really started praying for things other than myself, or things that are not directly related to me. Don’t get me wrong – praying for ourselves is important and biblical – even Jesus prayed for himself (Mark 14:36 – “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me…) but always? We should be praying for everyone - those close to us – Christian or not – and those we don’t know. Although it is sometimes hard/impossible to see the fruit of prayer for things not directly in front of us, we are asked to pray away.

                                Sometimes I catch myself thinking “they don’t need prayer – they look to be doing fine” or “I don’t even know how to pray for that person – I don’t even know them or what they need” or even better - pulling the Pride card “I’m not praying for myself because I don’t need it but everyone else does.” Beyond that, thinking of who I don’t pray for and why I don’t pray for them is a scary thing.

                More stuff?

                More money?

                A girlfriend/boyfriend?

                Faith?

                Security?

                Grace and forgiveness?

                                Are we praying for God’s stuff or more of Him?

                                Are we asking for things out of selfishness or to glorify Christ?

                                Are we questioning His goodness and sovereignty through our prayer?

                                Are we telling God what needs to happen or trusting that he hears our request?

                                Are we praying for things to replace God with?

And finally…

As I continue in my walk with Christ and grow in our relationship, new things are constantly coming to mind. I really do have to practice thinking of Him right when I wake up, choosing to pray on my way to work, choosing to remind myself of what He says and desires, choosing to read the bible, choosing to talk to people about Christ, and choosing to think about Him as I lay and rest, praying for the gift of another day. My desire is to saturate myself with Jesus – His love, thought process, attitude, everything – not just because it seems like a good idea, but because He commands us to do that.

Then my flesh reminds me of all sorts of lies and worldly things. One thought that has really been standing out to me is judgment - specifically being judged for “trying too hard”. Maybe I am more aware and keen because I do that myself? I don’t know – but what I do know is that it worries me, and becomes worrisome to the point of questioning myself and my motives.

I begin to ask myself questions –

                Why are you reading your bible? So you can say that you have been?

                Why are you talking about Christ again?

                Why are you thanking Him for another day? That should just be expected - you’ll have another day. There’s always tomorrow, right? We deserve it.

                What are your motives behind inviting people to church? Do you want people to think your super Godly and religious?

                Why do you bring things into the light with your friends? They are Christians too, who are you to try and hold them accountable? 

                Why are you asking hard questions? Sometimes people just want to take the day off from morality, and that’s alright, isn’t it?

                Your young – people your age are usually busy and don’t have time to focus on Christ, why are you any different?  They are gaining worldly experience, stop pretending you don’t want it.

                Age and spiritual maturity walk hand in hand, so don’t act otherwise.

The list continues, but I’ve listed enough examples. I don’t mean to write this saying that I’m awesome, and that I’m trying so much harder than everyone or anything. I’m even apprehensive about writing this because I don’t want it to come off the wrong way.

My desire is to be authentic and to prove it with my life.

God, silence the enemy in the name of Jesus. Help me to hear You, and discern what is not You. Take my fear God, I want to trust You. Give me faith. God, I know that tomorrow the sun will rise – give me that same faith towards Your goodness, love, and that You are who you say you are. May I forget about what the world thinks and live in the fear of the Lord rather than the fear of peers and others.

Breaking point

You know that moment when you’re worshiping… that special moment… where it’s like something breaks and nothing else matters besides Christ and His love for you and your love for Him? I think some people know exactly what I am talking about, and maybe some others don’t, but that’s not my place to say.

Its that place right before you lift your hands. The place right before the tears start falling. The place where you finally forget about the people around you, or at least stop caring. The moment where something breaks, and its just you and Jesus. The moment in which you can say “God, despite everything that I may be going through, and despite how there are so many things that I don’t understand, You are GOOD. I trust Your promises. YOU ALONE ARE ALL THAT I NEED, and ALL that I want,” and mean it.

Oh how I wish I could explain it better! It makes me want to yell and jump just thinking about Christ. Its that place where we finally put everything aside except Him. He becomes ultimate.

 I’m not talking about the before, and I’m not talking about the after effects of worshiping and surrendering – I’m talking about the moment in time that Christ is elevated, and to whatever degree we are capable of comprehending, He is supreme and the creator of all. That short moment between thinking about looking weird for singing loud with your hands in the air and actually doing that. The short moment that the decision is made, where Christ penetrates our very soul and says “trust Me, I am here. Let me hold you, you are safe and I love you” and we finally let go. Even writing this now at work I am nearly brought to tears thinking of the times that I have heard Him say that to me… He has truly softened my heart, praise Christ for how He loves us.

I love that moment. Experiencing the true love of God.

God, let me put myself aside. Break my heart for You God. May I surrender myself to You, for Your glory. Meet me where I am and help me. May I desire You and only You. Help me not to get caught up in the emotion of it all, but to see the truth and seek the truth. You are King, may You reign supreme over my life. I trust You, though I don’t always understand. I trust the promises of Your word, even though I don’t always understand.

there is a retreat coming up for another church, and to be honest i dont even know the name of the church or where it is. i have no idea what they do, where it is, nothing. but i heard about it, and have the oppertuinty to share it with a few people i met. one of them is Will, a friend i met at church last friday. he reminds me of my brother, in an almosts alarming sort of way. i dont understand it, but i love this guy, and i’ve spoken maybe 4 sentences too him.

 i talked to him last night on the phone trying to arange plans for him to go on this retreat this weekend. he asked if i was going to be able to make it. below i put a really important part of our dialog. it didn’t hit me until this morning what it really ment.

this weekend im picking up one of my very good friends at the airport, so i won’t be able to make it to the retreat. Will has never met this guy, and hardly knows me. but regardless, right when i said i wouldn’t be able to make it, he blessed my friend’s travels and our time that we will share. no guilt for not being able to make it, no sadness in his voice, pure and genuine love. simple love. what an example he is to me.

Praise Christ that He heals and restores. May we lift NOTHING above the Cross - may we do NOTHING to try and earn our keep in the heavens - may we attempt to add NOTHING to the requirements of justification - may we steal NONE of the glory that He deserves.

I feel like I’m constantly battling myself within myself. Like the Christ in me is fighting the sin that resides in my earthly body. not in some crazy kind of way where I’m constantly torn or talking to myself or something. It’s far different, and I think many people might be able to relate, while others would not understand.

 In reality - it’s nothing new. Paul writes about it in Romans. He does what he hates, and what he loves he does not do. he wants to serve Christ, and tries everyday to give his life to Him, but still is insufficient. David is someone I really relate to. I was recently listening to a teaching, and the pastor brought up psalm 42. The one about the deer panting for water, and our soul longing for Christ. That resonates with me – not in the way that first imagined it, – nature in all its beauty with a doe drinking some fresh river water – but in the urgent, life or death situation of a living being that is literally dying because they need water. That’s how I want to seek Christ – He is the water that quenches the thirst of my soul.

 That sounds great, I know. I think about it quite often. That He will fill us. He is all we need. He is ALWAYS there. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that. And I believe that.

But David continues.               

  Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God…

This is what hit me – he’s talking to himself. Why are you downcast, soul? And encouraging himself – put your hope in God, soul. This is how I feel so often. Like I’m talking to myself. Why are you down? Why are you distraught? Don’t you remember Christ? You have been set free, rescued, justified, born again… all those things.

I don’t even know how to explain it best. But I feel like I converse with myself, constantly. Everyday. Every time I am reminded of Christ or something. And I literally feel like I’m telling myself to remember Jesus or the Cross or what He is promised or how much He loves me, like Christ living in me tells my soul or something. It’s a beautiful thing, and a cycle that I don’t think will ever stop. I won’t finally figure it out someday. And that’s okay. It’s reassuring to think that so many people have gone before me, and even the great Paul and David struggled with the same things.

Lord, sustain me.

Lord, sustain me. I pray that you are beside me now as i question, as i doubt, and as I try and turn my face to you. forgive me for the sin’s that haunt me. help me run towards you. i cannot hide, i am ALWAYS found. God, my Strength, protect me. Jesus, standing as my Shield, defend me! Apart from You i can do nothing, and every day that becomes more apparent to me. forgive me for trying to make it on my own. how many times have I cried to you for forgiveness and deliverance, and i still turn back to what I hate! Pour your Spirit into me God, because I am empty and have no where to go. Light my path and help me see, guide my mind and soul. Help me hear you! I feel as if my prayers are lost in the night, before they reach you. Do not leave me here alone O Lord, I cannot survive on my own without you. My days grow long and turn to night while I yearn for you, my mind grows tired as I search for you. I strain my ears and listen for You, remembering the promises that You made as I sit in silence. Please Lord, show me your Truth! Remind me of your sovereign Love and Grace! Grab my hand and pull me out of this grave that I am in. I know You are not far from me Lord, may I chase You with all my might. Help remove the stumbling blocks that prevent me from finding You. When I fall, I shall rise! You wake me every morning, and give me another day. Praise be to You God, because You fill my cup everyday, with all that I will need. Thank you God for being patient with me as I grow, and for never giving up on me. Praise You God, for your unfailing love and everlasting grace.You truly are the Most High.