brianbyersdorf

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Sat, 21 Feb 2009 13:09:10 -0800

"Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:49:02 -0700

“Oh praise the one who paid my debt
and raised this life up from the dead!”

A poppin, lockin, icy hot’n, filthy stuntin night in room...

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:34:00 -0700

A poppin, lockin, icy hot’n, filthy stuntin night in room 201

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Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:08:08 -0700

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I hate everything about my ways, but you still tell me I’m okay.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:22:15 -0700

I hate everything about my ways, but you still tell me I’m okay.

he saved me, thats the secret.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 10:40:56 -0700

he saved me, thats the secret.

please help me find you. please help me hear you. please let me see you. help me to feel you. today,...

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 10:11:31 -0700

please help me find you. please help me hear you. please let me see you. help me to feel you.

today, like many days, i feel that i have lost you, but you have not moved.

help me find you.

“I will follow”

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:11:00 -0700

“You missed the back two” he said at 1 a.m. as I pulled the tooth brush out of his mouth. I was still learning how to thoroughly clean someone else’s teeth. After rinsing his mouth, I stood at the side of his bed and pulled on the sheets to scoot his body towards me. Rolling his shoulder over, I tucked a pillow under his back to support him on his right side. With a pillow between his knees, I positioned his legs in a way I imagined would be comfortable.

This was all new to me. It was one of my first nights staying at my friend’s house. I would do anything to be there for him. What a privilege it was to be able to serve him in that way, and what amazing things God did in those few months. He was more than a friend – he had grown to be a brother.

As I lay down, I made sure my alarm was set for 5 a.m. – I needed to wake up to rotate him onto his other side every 4 hours. We prayed, and God met us. He comforted, and protected us as we lay and talk about what might be next for the both of us, along with all the hopes and fears and stumbling blocks there would be on the way.

8 a.m. rolled around, and it was time to wake up and be reminded that it all wasn’t a dream – it really happened. The sun had already risen, and the clouds were sharing a little bit of its light with us. His parents came in the room offering fruit for breakfast and asked how last night went. We began the morning routine – and I saw one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

From his computer I started playing a song we had downloaded the night before. His parents and I were around the bed – one supporting his neck, one holding him off the bed, and another fighting his shirt on. He was staring straight to the ceiling, as if looking directly at God and asking Him “do you see this? I don’t understand.” His circumstances forced him to be vulnerable, forced him to be humble, and forced him to rely on things outside of himself. The chorus of the song came through the speakers, and with every ounce of his soul, I watched him sing along.

“I will follow, I will follow, I will follow you…”

Tears spilling from his eyes, as if drawn up from a well in his heart by singing these words. A moment in time that I will never forget – a real, tangible example of what it means to have given your life to Christ, to have sold everything to buy the field, an example of what it truly means to say “You are enough”.

From every part of his body, every part of his mind that God graciously protected, every part of his life, every part of his entire being, past, present, future, EVERYTHING, I could hear him saying “I will follow”. That phrase rang in my ears for weeks – it was one of the most profound and powerful things I had ever seen.

God, make me more like this. I will follow you, every day. Any where you take me. Anything you take me through. I will follow.

Unsettled

Wed, 28 May 2008 11:49:37 -0700

What a place to be, caught somewhere between decisions and outcomes and life. But not stuck without hope or a light at the end of the tunnel. I begin to look for answers or comfort from things around me, anything to help me settle. My mind races and cannot be quiet despite my constant prayer and attempted focus on Christ.

Like a rock in my shoe that I want to get rid of, but I forgot how to untie my laces. Like the ticking of a clock that I notice only when things are silent, when trying to fall asleep and I can’t ignore it or forget that I hear it. Like a free ride, when your already late. Like good advice, that I just can’t take… I couldn’t resist.

God, I surrender. Because I trust you. Help me find you, and help me find peace. Keep me unsettled until I find what you have for me, and even then, keep me unsettled if it will draw me closer to you. Comfort, security, consistency, steadiness, relaxation, being settled… all of those things are good, but You are better. Can I have more of you?

"where what is ideal is lacking, grace abounds"

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:24:10 -0700

“where what is ideal is lacking, grace abounds”

holy spirit - embrace me. as i reach for you with nothing else to hold on to. catch me. please. i...

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:02:50 -0700

holy spirit - embrace me. as i reach for you with nothing else to hold on to. catch me. please. i belong to you. you are my beloved, above all things that i love. sustain me! i don’t know where else to turn, and have no where to look to. i am overwhelmed, help bring clarity to my eyes. you are faithful. show me your face, do not be far from me. may i feel your presence beside me all day.

"we will worship for all of eternity, rather than become that which will be worshiped"

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:46:35 -0700

“we will worship for all of eternity, rather than become that which will be worshiped”

Prayer: Selfish? Selfless? Shellfish? Shelfdish? Smellfresh? Sellless? Stashless?

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 14:30:32 -0700

This is something that I have been thinking about for the past 6+ months or so. I hope this does not come off as cynical or bitter - it is more a display of thoughts with hopes of probing and addressing the way that we pray and what we pray for.

Why do we pray?

Prayer is frequently used as a last resort.

We are out of options, nowhere else to turn.

We tried everything else.

It couldn’t hurt right?

Praying with hopes that it will cover up our laziness/lack of responsibility

-If you are real God, show me.

Help me _________(fill in the blank – do well on this test I didn’t study for, not get caught for doing something wrong/illegal, not be hung over, not be responsible for my actions, not be tired after sleeping for 2 hours….) and I’ll believe in you.

-If you are real God, you won’t let this bad thing happen, and I am asking you so you have to do it otherwise you’re mean or maybe not real -I don’t want to practice being disciplined – I just want to be disciplined

Praying to cover up our lack of commitment to Christ

This one is hard and is not my place to judge anyone but myself– these are examples from my own life - let me explain:

- Pray that you can read your bible more

I don’t really buy this one – I used to do it all the time. Ultimately it just takes picking it up and reading it. It takes some initiative. Priorities.

- Praying that a ministry would just fall into your hands

Not to say this never happens- but so commonly I see others, and myself, truly desiring to serve God and wanting to do what He asks, but really just waiting for something to fall into our hands. Occasionally this does happen, but sometimes we just have to step out and do something.

Who are we praying for?

Only recently have I really started praying for things other than myself, or things that are not directly related to me. Don’t get me wrong – praying for ourselves is important and biblical – even Jesus prayed for himself (Mark 14:36 – “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me…) but always? We should be praying for everyone - those close to us – Christian or not – and those we don’t know. Although it is sometimes hard/impossible to see the fruit of prayer for things not directly in front of us, we are asked to pray away.

Who are we not praying for?

Sometimes I catch myself thinking “they don’t need prayer – they look to be doing fine” or “I don’t even know how to pray for that person – I don’t even know them or what they need” or even better - pulling the Pride card “I’m not praying for myself because I don’t need it but everyone else does.” Beyond that, thinking of who I don’t pray for and why I don’t pray for them is a scary thing.

What are we praying for?

More stuff?

More money?

A girlfriend/boyfriend?

Faith?

Security?

Grace and forgiveness?

Are we praying for God’s stuff or more of Him?

Are we asking for things out of selfishness or to glorify Christ?

Are we questioning His goodness and sovereignty through our prayer?

Are we telling God what needs to happen or trusting that he hears our request?

Are we praying for things to replace God with?

What are we not praying for?

And finally…

Are we listening?

As I continue in my walk with Christ and grow in our relationship, new things are constantly coming...

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:50:03 -0700

As I continue in my walk with Christ and grow in our relationship, new things are constantly coming to mind. I really do have to practice thinking of Him right when I wake up, choosing to pray on my way to work, choosing to remind myself of what He says and desires, choosing to read the bible, choosing to talk to people about Christ, and choosing to think about Him as I lay and rest, praying for the gift of another day. My desire is to saturate myself with Jesus – His love, thought process, attitude, everything – not just because it seems like a good idea, but because He commands us to do that.

Then my flesh reminds me of all sorts of lies and worldly things. One thought that has really been standing out to me is judgment - specifically being judged for “trying too hard”. Maybe I am more aware and keen because I do that myself? I don’t know – but what I do know is that it worries me, and becomes worrisome to the point of questioning myself and my motives.

I begin to ask myself questions –

Why are you reading your bible? So you can say that you have been?

Why are you talking about Christ again?

Why are you thanking Him for another day? That should just be expected - you’ll have another day. There’s always tomorrow, right? We deserve it.

What are your motives behind inviting people to church? Do you want people to think your super Godly and religious?

Why do you bring things into the light with your friends? They are Christians too, who are you to try and hold them accountable?

Why are you asking hard questions? Sometimes people just want to take the day off from morality, and that’s alright, isn’t it?

Your young – people your age are usually busy and don’t have time to focus on Christ, why are you any different? They are gaining worldly experience, stop pretending you don’t want it.

Age and spiritual maturity walk hand in hand, so don’t act otherwise.

The list continues, but I’ve listed enough examples. I don’t mean to write this saying that I’m awesome, and that I’m trying so much harder than everyone or anything. I’m even apprehensive about writing this because I don’t want it to come off the wrong way.

My desire is to be authentic and to prove it with my life.

God, silence the enemy in the name of Jesus. Help me to hear You, and discern what is not You. Take my fear God, I want to trust You. Give me faith. God, I know that tomorrow the sun will rise – give me that same faith towards Your goodness, love, and that You are who you say you are. May I forget about what the world thinks and live in the fear of the Lord rather than the fear of peers and others.

Breaking point

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 15:44:07 -0700

You know that moment when you’re worshiping… that special moment… where it’s like something breaks and nothing else matters besides Christ and His love for you and your love for Him? I think some people know exactly what I am talking about, and maybe some others don’t, but that’s not my place to say.

Its that place right before you lift your hands. The place right before the tears start falling. The place where you finally forget about the people around you, or at least stop caring. The moment where something breaks, and its just you and Jesus. The moment in which you can say “God, despite everything that I may be going through, and despite how there are so many things that I don’t understand, You are GOOD. I trust Your promises. YOU ALONE ARE ALL THAT I NEED, and ALL that I want,” and mean it.

Oh how I wish I could explain it better! It makes me want to yell and jump just thinking about Christ. Its that place where we finally put everything aside except Him. He becomes ultimate.

I’m not talking about the before, and I’m not talking about the after effects of worshiping and surrendering – I’m talking about the moment in time that Christ is elevated, and to whatever degree we are capable of comprehending, He is supreme and the creator of all. That short moment between thinking about looking weird for singing loud with your hands in the air and actually doing that. The short moment that the decision is made, where Christ penetrates our very soul and says “trust Me, I am here. Let me hold you, you are safe and I love you” and we finally let go. Even writing this now at work I am nearly brought to tears thinking of the times that I have heard Him say that to me… He has truly softened my heart, praise Christ for how He loves us.

I love that moment. Experiencing the true love of God.

God, let me put myself aside. Break my heart for You God. May I surrender myself to You, for Your glory. Meet me where I am and help me. May I desire You and only You. Help me not to get caught up in the emotion of it all, but to see the truth and seek the truth. You are King, may You reign supreme over my life. I trust You, though I don’t always understand. I trust the promises of Your word, even though I don’t always understand.

there is a retreat coming up for another church, and to be honest i dont even know the name of the...

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:58:54 -0700

there is a retreat coming up for another church, and to be honest i dont even know the name of the church or where it is. i have no idea what they do, where it is, nothing. but i heard about it, and have the oppertuinty to share it with a few people i met. one of them is Will, a friend i met at church last friday. he reminds me of my brother, in an almosts alarming sort of way. i dont understand it, but i love this guy, and i’ve spoken maybe 4 sentences too him.

i talked to him last night on the phone trying to arange plans for him to go on this retreat this weekend. he asked if i was going to be able to make it. below i put a really important part of our dialog. it didn’t hit me until this morning what it really ment.

this weekend im picking up one of my very good friends at the airport, so i won’t be able to make it to the retreat. Will has never met this guy, and hardly knows me. but regardless, right when i said i wouldn’t be able to make it, he blessed my friend’s travels and our time that we will share. no guilt for not being able to make it, no sadness in his voice, pure and genuine love. simple love. what an example he is to me.

Praise Christ that He heals and restores. May we lift NOTHING above the Cross - may we do NOTHING to try and earn our keep in the heavens - may we attempt to add NOTHING to the requirements of justification - may we steal NONE of the glory that He deserves.

oh, how He speaks to us

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:51:43 -0700

Will: so are you going to be able to make it this weekend?
Brian: no, unfortunatly i wont be able too. i have to pick a friend up at the airport on saturday
Will: well hopefully he has safe travels and makes it home alright
Brian: yeah, i hope so too

I feel like I’m constantly battling myself within myself. Like the Christ in me is fighting the sin...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 14:11:00 -0700

I feel like I’m constantly battling myself within myself. Like the Christ in me is fighting the sin that resides in my earthly body. not in some crazy kind of way where I’m constantly torn or talking to myself or something. It’s far different, and I think many people might be able to relate, while others would not understand.

In reality - it’s nothing new. Paul writes about it in Romans. He does what he hates, and what he loves he does not do. he wants to serve Christ, and tries everyday to give his life to Him, but still is insufficient. David is someone I really relate to. I was recently listening to a teaching, and the pastor brought up psalm 42. The one about the deer panting for water, and our soul longing for Christ. That resonates with me – not in the way that first imagined it, – nature in all its beauty with a doe drinking some fresh river water – but in the urgent, life or death situation of a living being that is literally dying because they need water. That’s how I want to seek Christ – He is the water that quenches the thirst of my soul.

That sounds great, I know. I think about it quite often. That He will fill us. He is all we need. He is ALWAYS there. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that. And I believe that.

But David continues.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God…

This is what hit me – he’s talking to himself. Why are you downcast, soul? And encouraging himself – put your hope in God, soul. This is how I feel so often. Like I’m talking to myself. Why are you down? Why are you distraught? Don’t you remember Christ? You have been set free, rescued, justified, born again… all those things.

I don’t even know how to explain it best. But I feel like I converse with myself, constantly. Everyday. Every time I am reminded of Christ or something. And I literally feel like I’m telling myself to remember Jesus or the Cross or what He is promised or how much He loves me, like Christ living in me tells my soul or something. It’s a beautiful thing, and a cycle that I don’t think will ever stop. I won’t finally figure it out someday. And that’s okay. It’s reassuring to think that so many people have gone before me, and even the great Paul and David struggled with the same things.

Lord, sustain me.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:13:06 -0700

Lord, sustain me. I pray that you are beside me now as i question, as i doubt, and as I try and turn my face to you. forgive me for the sin’s that haunt me. help me run towards you. i cannot hide, i am ALWAYS found. God, my Strength, protect me. Jesus, standing as my Shield, defend me! Apart from You i can do nothing, and every day that becomes more apparent to me. forgive me for trying to make it on my own. how many times have I cried to you for forgiveness and deliverance, and i still turn back to what I hate! Pour your Spirit into me God, because I am empty and have no where to go. Light my path and help me see, guide my mind and soul. Help me hear you! I feel as if my prayers are lost in the night, before they reach you. Do not leave me here alone O Lord, I cannot survive on my own without you. My days grow long and turn to night while I yearn for you, my mind grows tired as I search for you. I strain my ears and listen for You, remembering the promises that You made as I sit in silence. Please Lord, show me your Truth! Remind me of your sovereign Love and Grace! Grab my hand and pull me out of this grave that I am in. I know You are not far from me Lord, may I chase You with all my might. Help remove the stumbling blocks that prevent me from finding You. When I fall, I shall rise! You wake me every morning, and give me another day. Praise be to You God, because You fill my cup everyday, with all that I will need. Thank you God for being patient with me as I grow, and for never giving up on me. Praise You God, for your unfailing love and everlasting grace.You truly are the Most High.

Praise Christ. This might make you weep.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 23:29:14 -0700

Praise Christ. This might make you weep.